Mr XX (continued)

I have been meaning to continue my ramblings about Mr XX since last week, but Streamyx had been acting up very frequently lately. Nak keje pun susah, apatah lagi nak blog.

Today takde mende sangat nak buat, so boleh la continue citer Mr XX. Ok, where was I? Oh, back to Uni days. Ok, we still maintained our long distance friendship when I went to Uni. He visited me once in a while when time permitted. By this time, my housemates had already suspected that we were having a special relationship. It was in this period of confusing time that I 'experimented' with love (cheh konon). Mr XX always hinted something in his letters, but he had never really open up about his feelings. Semuanya kabur belaka. Until it was time when I was 'forced' to make a decision about my love life.

A few good men (chewwah) tried to unlock the keys to my heart. It was 1997 when I was in my first year of studying engineering (patutlah lulus cukup makan je...awal-awal study dah start berchenta...hehe..) By giving my heart to somebody else, meaning that I would always treat Mr XX as my special guy friend only. Yelah, I was not sure of his feelings for me although I know until that period of time, he still did not have any other girl friends, and he was really close to me. Tapi, it was never said clearly, so I chose someone else who had really opened up about his feelings for me.

I had my fair share of hurt in my love life. My long relationship with Mr ZZ didn't end as what we have expected although we were together for more than 5 years. It was my longest love relationship, tapi apa nak buat, tak ada jodoh and it was fated that we weren't meant for each other. I was in a few other short flings after it ended, before I got married to my dearest darling hubby last year.

All these while, Mr XX was always there. We never stopped communicating. He attended our tahlil when my dearest, only, Abang passed away. By this time, he knew that I was already in a special relationship, and one day, after he got transferred from Kota Bharu to KL, he told me that he wanted to start a relationship with a lady army officer in his camp. I was thrilled for him. But, there was a problem because the lady was someone else's fiancee. He confided in me, telling me all his frustations etc in his love tug-of-war.

At this point of time, I have just ended my relationship with Mr ZZ. Mr XX had also ended his relationship with his girlfriend. He told me about it when I asked how come that cute pooh bear was no more inside his car (hehe).

We went out a few times during this period, and our last outing was when I was invited to attend his alumni's open day at his former secondary school. It was my best outing with him and it was filled with the warmest memories. Well, it was an army school ok? I had my first experience shooting an M16 (I can still remember the pain in my shoulders after I shot the target) I then followed him with his friends to their hostel, where they 'bullied' the juniors staying there. It was totally overwhelming and totally a new experience to me seeing how these adults were trained (and bullied) during their schooldays. Well, the tradition continued la konon. We had lunch at their dining hall (I couldn't recall what they call it...Was it mass? dunno lah) and proceeded with games after that where I became a docile spectator of those robust adults who acted like kids on the fields hehe... I watch my first game of rugby that day...Mengerikan!! Mr XX played hockey and rugby that day, if I'm not mistaken.

It was after this outing that Mr XX opened up about his feelings for me. By this time, I had already moved forward, and have got someone else in my heart already. At least we knew what was inside our hearts after the confession. It was at a wrong time, but at least we could move forward with our own separate lives after that. No more doubts...

A few months later, I was about to get engaged to my darling hubby. One day, I called him to share the joyous news.. When I broke the news to him, he became silent. He didn't want to continue the conversation and just informed me that he was going back to his hometown that afternoon and will call me back later. Of course, he never called back.

After my engagement ceremony was over, I called him to share my happiness. He told me that he was in Perak that day. Puzzled (I knew that his ex-girlfriend was a Perakian), I jokingly asked him whether he was visiting his future mother-in-law? He was silent for a moment, and suddenly the bomb exploded in my ears when he told me that he was already married to the girl just the day before.

I was like, what the he** happened? There I was, wanting to share my happiness after those painful breakups and after finally meeting my life partner. I chose him to share my happiness with. But he secretly got married!! What happened to 11 years of friendship? I was puzzled...Why would he want to hide his marriage? I don't know why, but I felt betrayed by him that day. I didn't know his reason that day, and I still don't know his reason until today. Of course, I was never invited to attend his wedding (although my family and I attended his brother's wedding a few years back).

I was so hurtful that I decided to end our friendship that day. I deleted all meanings of contact with him after telling him how frustrated I was by his actions. We drifted very, very far apart after that and continued with our own separate lives. I never heard of him after that.

It was not until recently when I have given birth to Baby Daniel that the thought of MrXX entered my mind. Maybe I was too consumed by pain (and betrayal)when I took the drastic action by ending our friendships. I guess by now Mr XX must be very happy and contented with his life. Maybe he had already been blessed with a few kids. It would be nice if we could once again communicate and share our happiness with each other. Tapi, entahlah. Maybe it was meant to be this way. Either way, I have always known that our friendship would never be more than it was, but it was really great to have him as a friend.

To Mr XX, I pray that he would have a good life ahead. Somehow, I want him to understand why I did what I did, and hopefully Allah spares me for disrupting a silaturrahim. Maybe he was happy with my decision, that was why he never bothered to contact me after that to say that he was sorry for everything that happened (I would surely forgive him for whatever reasons he had). Well, I dedicate this song to Mr XX:

Kerana Rindu Ini-Freedom

Musim-musim berlalu
Ku masih menantimu
Walau lama terpisah
Tiada khabar berita
Kau tetap jua di hati ini bertakhta

Ku ingin melupakan
Pahitnya pengalaman
Tetapi hati ini amat degil sekali
Wajahmu jua yang datang menghampiri

Semenjak terjadinya perselisihan
Engkau pergi tanpa sepatahpun perkataan
Kerana bimbang diri hilangmu tak kucari
Sekalipun aku merinduimu tiap hari

Bila pemergianku tak kau peduli
Sangkaku kau senangi perpisahan ini
Kerana harga diri ku tak bertanya lagi
Sekalipun kau tetap ku sayangi

Kerana rindu ini
Sombongku terketepi
Mengatasi segala ialah cinta kita
Terpelihara dengan restu Yang Esa

Well, Mr XX, you will always have a special place in my heart. With this entry, I have burned the hatchet and I can move forward with my blessed life.

And Ya Allah, I am so thankful for my Hubby, my Baby and my Family. They are the best treasure that You have bestowed upon me. Alhamdulillah....