Remembering Abang (21/9/1974-11/4/2001)

Today is the 5th time that we are unable to celebrate Abang's birthday, after he was suddenly taken from us on April 11, 2001. It was such a painful and surprised loss for all of us, and it took forever for us to heal from the deep wound that marked our hearts the day he left us.

Tears are welling from my eyes as I am writing this. Never had I able to talk about Abang without crying, or at least with eyes brimmed with tears. I couldn't imagine how Abah and Mak feel- they had never hide how sad they were everytime they talk about him and pray for him.

I was very close with him, as it was 4 years together for both of us until we had my sister. Even after that, we remained close, and when my youngest brother arrived, my sister clicked with him. So, Abang and me remained close.

My brother was the one person who didn't speak much. He liked to keep things to himself, but he always tell me if he was having problems or anything. He was also the most religious one in the family. I remember there was one night when he called me at the house from his mobile, while he was driving home from work and feeling sleepy. He asked me to tell him stories to keep him awake. I was surprised that he called me instead of his fiancee at that time. And there was one time when Abah accidentally latched the additional lock at the front door, and Abang couldn't get in with his keys. At that time, handphone signal was really bad at my housing area, so he had to drive on top of a hill just to get a clearer reception and called back home for me to open up the door. He was quite angry, frustrated and merajuk at that time, saying that we purposely didn't want to let him in.

Abang helped me a lot, especially computer-related as he studied IT and worked as an IT Analyst. He bought me my first desktop PC, and he helped me a lot with my final year project in University.

There are so many memories with Abang that I carefully kept inside my heart. It was that fateful April 11, 2001 that we lost our beloved family member, unexpectedly, as we were talking, joking and eating together just a few hours before that. My brother actually checked himself in at Tawakal Hospital (his company's panel hospital at that time) after his blood test result confirmed of dengue virus detection. He was not unconscious or anything, as a matter-of-fact, he looked healthy at that time.

It was Monday afternoon that he checked himself in there. He called quite late from the hospital saying that everything was ok. We visited him on Tuesday afternoon at about 5pm. He looked ok, but complained of sore throat, thus couldn't eat much. When the hospital meal came, I ate together with him because he said he couldn't finish the meal.

We left the hospital at about Maghrib time as we wanted to send my sister back to her hostel in UiTM, Melaka. We stopped at Seremban Rest Area for dinner and at that time, my youngest brother and I were already week from high fever (yes, both of us were also infected by the virus, but unknown at that time). Mak thought of dropping by to visit Abang again after we sent Izza, but seeing that Azfar and myself were too week from fever, Mak and Abah changed their plan to visit Abang the next day instead.

At about 5am the next morning, we received an emergency call from the hospital. The Doctor said that Abang was in a critical condition and have difficulty breathing. He called for consent to insert tubes inside Abang's body to help him with his condition. We then rushed to the hospital and reached there at about 6.30am. Abang was already in ICU when we reached there, and the Doctor said his condition had worsened; not only he had difficulty breathing, but blood had already streamed out from his nose and mouth!

We seriously couldn't understand how come the condition became so serious, and we were only informed about it a tad too late. Was it an act of negligence? Takkan he became like that within 1 or 2 minutes kan? Whatever it is, the hospital should take full responsibility for their inabilities to control such situation, until it caused a precious life to be ended, and a family lost their loved one. Of course it was fated by Allah, but at least we could have been informed earlier, when his health condition started deteriorating, so at least we were not cheated of the chance of being together with him during his last moments on earth!

Anyway, we were let in to see him at about 7am. I still remember clearly that there were 2 nurses at each side of Abang's bed in the ICU ward, one pumping oxygen in his mouth, while the other wiping blood from his mouth. The Doctor informed Abah that Abang's heart had stopped beating, but they were continuing pumping oxygen into his lungs until Abah gave consent to stop the process and they can pronounce him dead.

What choice did Abah has? He consented, the nurse stopped what she was doing, and we lost our dear family member. I remember staring blankly at Abang's body, my head spinning in denial. As if I was in a typical Malay drama in a scene where somebody passed away, and the people left behind seemed in shocked and disbelief. It was just a few hours ago that we shared laughter and food! And at that time, he had already lain lifeless!

I remember crying non-stop afterwards, right until the time his body was finally buried. He was smiling, as if in a very contented sleep, that was what everybody was saying. I laid on top of his grave, crying very painful tears, and I could still feel the pain up until today.

Five years had passed without him with us, but it was never a day passed without us remembering him. His birthday, passed-away day, Hari Raya, all bring back sad memories for us, and we now had to celebrate them in different ways than usual.

Abang, I pray that Allah have mercy on you, place you among his obedient servants and forgive any of your wrongdoings. Have a pleasant rest wherever you are now, and we all shall join you later. Sincerely praying that our family can be back together someday.....

Wherever you are, you are always in our heart and our prayers.. I for sure had never stopped loving you and remembering you.. Alfatihah.....